My Thursday Mornings

Wow, am I thankful right now for my health, to be able to walk. For the past 3 Thursday mornings I have been going to the Shepherd Spinal Center at Piedmont Hospital. I am part of the 7-8am Breakfast Club. It is me and about 4 men 70+ years in age who go around feeding the patients breakfast. I have a good time with those men and they love to tease me. One man named Paul has been going there to serve breakfast for about 20 years!! This morning was really great. Last week, I had the pleasure of feeding a 19-year old boy from Greenville, SC. He had the best attitude and manners, just great to be around. He told me that he has a good chance of walking in a year, so that was good to hear. This morning in the waiting room while we were waiting for the food to come out, I was talking about my experience with him last week. Little did I know that his father was in the room! He said that his son had been driving home from work and had gone off the road and flipped his car. He was learning how to give his son a shower this morning so I just got to go in and say "hello" briefly before that process began. I did however get to feed another man this morning from Raleigh. The first time I went in I thought he was asleep, but then one of the men came in with me and woke him up. The patient's name was Andre and I found out his story as I helped him drink 2 boxes of milk, a chocolate shake, and cranberry juice. He must have been about 45 or 50. He said he was just playing around on his 9-year-old daughter's skooter one day, hit a patch of grass, flipped over and broke his neck. That was about a month ago. He has 2 other children and a wife of 16 years. His says his family has been great so far, but he confided in me that he is extremely anxious about the burden he will be on his family in the future and basically said that he is wondering if it would have been better if he had passed away. Wow, what deep thinking for me to do so early in the morning!! I tried my best to offer him encouraging words and told him that I would want my father alive no matter what, particularly if he was still able to talk with me, advise me, and watch me grow up. Andre said he really appreciated what I had to say, and man, did that make me happy. He had been a lawyer for 20 years and hopes to some day get back to work, even if he only has limited use of his arms. I told him that they are able to do so many things this day in age. I hope he is able to go back to work too. I can't imagine. . .

Easy Week

This week has been nice and relaxing and I've actually managed to get some decent sleep so I won't spend most of the weekend trying to catch up. I went to dinner with Teresa last night and had a blast. Ever since we had our "Let's get it all out" talk back in the spring, things have been great. It's great to talk to her about Paul's and my relationship because her and Mark are pretty similar and the same things get to me that bother Teresa. They are having a dinner and discussion tonight to talk about Mark's job options/locations and how things might play out for them in the future. She is really anxious about it and I can totally empathize! We decided that if both of our boys are out of town next year we are going to hang out a ton! However, we both decided we are two of the luckiest girls in the world to be dating two great, quality guys, two of the most well-liked boys we know!

Paul rode his bike to have lunch with me in downtown today, which was great. At the restaurant where we ordered our food, I was totally distracted by him and was not paying attention when my number was called, and evidently it was called like 5 times. It finally dawned on me to check when Paul, who ordered after me, got his meal before me, and this woman got a kick out of us and said "At least you know she is in love." I thought that was funny and it was true :) I enjoyed just sitting on the curb with Paul, eating our Indian food and listening to the outdoor Jazz music on Broad Street. We went through our LEARN retreat presentation for tonight, we'll see how that goes!

Well, I see this week and next as the calm before the storm. This weekend will be great because there is not much going on besides the GT game tomorrow evening, oh yeah, I'm going to go off the high dive this evening with Paul at Ramblin' Nights, will be the highlight of my weekend I'm sure :) Next Friday I am going to the accounting career fair, and I sense that my life will get busier and a bit more complicated as I get more involved in next year's job search. More on that later. I'm going to try to leave work here in a few minutes. . .

What if. . .

I had a coffe and chat (C&C) with Miller Templeton yesterday evening. We get together about every 3-4 weeks or so and have been since the fall of my junior year. Sometimes we talk about certain books or topics, but most of the time we just share the latest that is going on in our lives. This time we chatted about the fall retreat, upcoming trips, Hurricane Katrina, and as always, Paul and our relationship. I filled him in on Paul's latest decision to go to grad school next fall, possibly not in Atlanta. I told him about our conversation last week and how I was feeling about his decision now (much more comfortable with it now, but come spring. . .) Miller posed a lot of "what if" questions to me, one really far out one- "If Paul asked you to marry him next year and wanted you to move to California while he was in grad school, what would you say?" and one question that I have asked myself many times and made the mistake of asking Paul (he freaked out and thought I took a talk of ours too far)- "What if you and Paul do get married, what kind of ceremony would you have?" I consider a lot of "What if" questions, but I rarely share my thoughts with many people, just a few of my close girl friends. I don't think Paul considers marriage to me very seriously, he needs a lot more time and I know that and am content for now. I just hope as more time passes I get less scared about getting hurt, about investing so much time and effot only to be left behind for good. I'm just worried if we were never again in the same city, he would never be comfortable with settling down, but who knows, that crazy boy may surprise me one day. What if. . .

Middle of Nowhere

The North Carolina mountains provided a welcome retreat this past weekend, a retreat from the media. Paul and I were picked up by my parents on Saturday morning and breezed up to Old Fort in about 4 hours, stopping by Wendy's and the grocery store on the way. Paul was passed out most of the time and ended up sleeping a bunch over the rest of the weekend, which was great to see :) We had the best weather we could have ever dreamed of!! I loved showing Paul around, it was so special since the mountains is where I had spent so much time growing up. Paul and I threw the frisbee, ventured down to the pond to watch the frogs scatter, braved the cold water with my dad in the swimming hole down the road, etc, all on the first day. My Uncle Van and Aunt Mel arrived with their 3 dogs and bird, then my other Uncle Joe and Aunt Kebbie arrived with Grant and Elizabeth. For dinner, we had a feast prepared by Mildred, what a meal! We had asked her to help us out with a couple of side dishes, but of course she went above and beyond the call of duty and made us about 7 different dishes. She also had the place clean and had added some decorations to the living room. I think she really takes pride in helping us with our place. That evening we built a bonfire outside and sat around it enjoying each other's company.

After sleeping 10+ hours, Paul and I finally got up on Sunday morning, him an hour after me (unheard of!). Joe, dad, me, Paul, and mom went on a hike to Pot's Cove. My dad and Joe took off their shirts and went swimming in a pool in the creek, crazy boys! That wouldn't be the last time as we went on another hike later in the afternoon to some waterfalls. I don't remember ever having seen this particular place before. It was a sheer piece of rock on a steep incline with water rapidly flowing down to a huge pool. My dad and Joe tied a rope to a stake and lowered themselves down to a tub formed in the rock by the water. I got some great pictures :) Later that afternoon, Paul and I went on a creek walk. My first step in the creek and I busted it, but other than that, it was a great time. We hiked all the way up past the wood shed. It was one of my favorite things I did all weekend because tramping through the creek made me feel like a kid again and I loved sharing that with Paul. I think he was impressed with my ruggedness :)

Both Elizabeth and Grant commented on how much they liked the mountain place and how much it meant to them. I was really impressed by that! I don't think I really came to appreciate it until a few years ago. I was so glad that Paul could come to see it and to meet some of my dad's family, as crazy as they are. I think he was highly entertained by us, he had a great time laughing at my dad and uncles dancing and singing on the porch at night. He had the chance to connect with my Uncle Van regarding music and I know he got to talk to Joe a good bit. Everyone was so impressed by him, just made me fall in love with him all over again. I hope we are able to come up many more times in the future! Maybe next time I won't get so many bug bites!!!

Feeling Helpless

It has been a long time since I have kept a diary of any sort, just a few ramblings in word documents on my computer, so here is my attempt to put my thoughts in one place. I don't know if I will actually share this with anyone else, but who knows.

My heart has felt really heavy the last several days. It is so hard for me to watch the news or read the newspaper anymore. Complete chaos and lawlessness in New Orleans. So many people in need and I feel helpless. People dying on the streets with no one to retrieve their bodies, girls getting raped in the shelters, groups of citizens armed with guns and looting the city. How will that area of our country ever recover?? I cannot begin to imagine the loss that they feel. I know God tells us to never lose hope, but it would be so hard. . . I wish I could do something, or even just be able to talk and comfort those suffering. Pete McTier, the Foundations' president, has been on the phone all week and just got back from a meeting with the United Way and Salvation Army to decide Atlanta' s plan of action. I am glad to be a part of an organization that can do something about the great monetary need. 500 refugees are coming to Georgia Tech's basketball coliseum this evening. I think Paul and I are going to lend a hand to that effort. At least that will be something. . . I know Bush is getting a lot of criticism right now for not responding fast enough, but how does one respond? How are you supposed to organize and coordinate when the need is so great and unlike nothing our country has ever seen before? It is going to take lots of time and money and I hate that so many people are going to suffer in the meantime.

Rollercoaster

In the midst of all that is going on, every problem in my life is petty, but life does go on and other things happen that also consume my thoughts and my emotional energy. Paul and I had a long talk last night before we feel asleep about 4am. He had mentioned to me at the bar that he had talked to a professor who had given him the advice to go right to grad school upon graduation. Those were his original plans, which included going to GT and living in his condo in Atlantic Station. I was really looking forward to a couple of years in the same city with him, time I felt like we needed to see where our relationship would lead. Well, after thinking for a couple of weeks that he may work in Atlanta for two years before going to grad school, he is now serious about going to grad school for city planning, and maybe not at GT. I kind of lost it last night because I had been confident for so long that he would be here and that we would have time. . . He has changed his mind so much lately, and now to say that he may not be in Atlanta? I was really thrown for a loop that I was not expecting, but I should have known better. I love Paul for who he is and I know that he has this inner restlessness about him, and I don't think much, certainly not me, would prevent him from up and leaving Atlanta. But, I know I jumped the gun and overreacted a bit last night because it is still a huge unknown- there is a good chance he would decide to stay because of things like his condo, family, friends, the climate, cheap tuition, good program, great work opportunities, hopefully me. . . But then there is that restlessness that tugs at his heart, the urge to go new places. I would love to go somewhere new with him one day to live- I'm just a bit nervous about our relationship and the effect that long-term distance would have on it in the meantime, particularly when I really don't think he would come back to Atlanta much. I really want to make us work. . .

I am much better today. I know that Paul needs to do what is best for him and what makes him happiest, but the selfish side of me is screaming- "What about me??". I know I need to back off for a long time so he can make his own decision. I do hope he clues me in to his thoughts because if he does decide to go away for school, I want to try and understand why he is leaving all he has in Atlanta. I have pretty good faith in the decisions he makes, but I can hardly see where he could go wrong staying here. . . I know I am being selfish, but it's so hard not to be. He has been such a big party of my life the last two years and it's hard for me to imagine life without him.