Rollercoaster

In the midst of all that is going on, every problem in my life is petty, but life does go on and other things happen that also consume my thoughts and my emotional energy. Paul and I had a long talk last night before we feel asleep about 4am. He had mentioned to me at the bar that he had talked to a professor who had given him the advice to go right to grad school upon graduation. Those were his original plans, which included going to GT and living in his condo in Atlantic Station. I was really looking forward to a couple of years in the same city with him, time I felt like we needed to see where our relationship would lead. Well, after thinking for a couple of weeks that he may work in Atlanta for two years before going to grad school, he is now serious about going to grad school for city planning, and maybe not at GT. I kind of lost it last night because I had been confident for so long that he would be here and that we would have time. . . He has changed his mind so much lately, and now to say that he may not be in Atlanta? I was really thrown for a loop that I was not expecting, but I should have known better. I love Paul for who he is and I know that he has this inner restlessness about him, and I don't think much, certainly not me, would prevent him from up and leaving Atlanta. But, I know I jumped the gun and overreacted a bit last night because it is still a huge unknown- there is a good chance he would decide to stay because of things like his condo, family, friends, the climate, cheap tuition, good program, great work opportunities, hopefully me. . . But then there is that restlessness that tugs at his heart, the urge to go new places. I would love to go somewhere new with him one day to live- I'm just a bit nervous about our relationship and the effect that long-term distance would have on it in the meantime, particularly when I really don't think he would come back to Atlanta much. I really want to make us work. . .

I am much better today. I know that Paul needs to do what is best for him and what makes him happiest, but the selfish side of me is screaming- "What about me??". I know I need to back off for a long time so he can make his own decision. I do hope he clues me in to his thoughts because if he does decide to go away for school, I want to try and understand why he is leaving all he has in Atlanta. I have pretty good faith in the decisions he makes, but I can hardly see where he could go wrong staying here. . . I know I am being selfish, but it's so hard not to be. He has been such a big party of my life the last two years and it's hard for me to imagine life without him.